==>>Amos Kaiser: Forwarded Emails<<==

Corporate Parables

2005-04-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

CORPORATE PARABLES:

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"

Fox: "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more"

Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"

Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"

Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a
complicated TV"

Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS, LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

In the context of the working world:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED, LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

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It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"

Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."

Bear: "Well that's absurd!

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU.

7 Reasons Not to Mess with a Child

2005-04-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,she asked what the drawing was. The girl
replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or ' That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Battle of the Brainless Classics

2005-04-14T22:35:00.000+08:00

Battle of the Brainless Classics

Q: What is the National Bird of the Philippines?
Clue: Its name starts with the letter "M"(Maya).
A: Manok!
Q: Hindi, brown ang kulay nito.
A: manok na pinirito.
Q: Hindi, mas maliit pa diyan.
A: Maggi chicken cube

Q: Saan tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo.
Clue: Nagsisimula sa letrang "B" (Beach).
A: Banyo.
Q: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, naaarawan ka.
A: Bubong.
Q: Hindi, pag nandoon ka na, marami kang makikita
na mga babaeng naka-bikini.
A: beerhouse!

Q: What is the National Flower of the Philippines?
Clue: It starts with the letter "S" (Sampaguita)
A: Sunflower.
Q: Hindi, binibenta ito sa kalye.
A: Stork.
Q: Hindi, bulaklak sabi, eh.
A: sitsarong bulaklak!
Q: Hindi pa rin. Ang ending niya ay letrang "A".
A: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka!
Q: O, para madali ha, uulitin ko ang clues at dagdagan ko pa: pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa letrang "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A" at kapangalan ito ng isang sikat na singer.
A: Si Sharon Cuneta!

Q: Sino ang kaunaunahang chess grandmaster of
Asia?
Clue: Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene
Torre).
A: Carole King.
Q: Hindi, mas mababa sa "King".
A: Al Quinn.
Q: Hindi, Filipino ang apelyido niya.
A: Armida Siguion-Reyna.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa pa sa "Reyna".
A: Bishop Bacani.
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Bishop".
A: Johnny Midnight (Knight).
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Knight".
A: Jerry Pons (Pawns)?
Q: O ayan na ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng piyesa. Yung kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
A: Sylvia la Torre

Q: Sino ang National Hero na naka-picture sa
500-peso bill?
Clue: ang initials niya ay "N.A"
A: Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, ang last letter ng kaniyang palayaw
ay "Y".
A: Guy Aunor?
Q: Hindi, dati siyang naging Senador.
A: The former Senador Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, patay na siya!
A: Patay na pala si Nora Aunor???

Question: Ano ang ginagamit na floatation device
sa dagat upang hindi
ka malunod?
Clue: starts with the letter "S" - Go!!! ("salbabida")
Beep!
Ateneo: (linalapit ang bibig sa mike) Sirena.
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Beep!
San Beda: Siyokoy.
Host: Hinde!! Hinde ito Lalake!
Beep!
La Salle: Siyoke.

Q: Ano ang tawag ng tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Clue: "L" ang simula ng pangalan niya (Lifeguard).
A: Lifebuoy.
Q: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito.
A: Safeguard.
Q: Hindi, pero makukuha mo ang pangalan nito pagpinagsama ang mga dalawang sagot.
A: Safe boy.
Q: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
A: Si Mr. Clean.

Q: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong tentacles?
Clue: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsimula sa "Octo" (Octopus).
A: October.
Q: Hindi, walo nga ang tentacles nito.
A: Octo-walo.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Ang hayop na ito ay walang spine at malambot ang katawan.
A: Octoart Dancer.
Q: Hindi, nagtatapos sa "s" ang pangalan nito.
A: Octoarts Dancers.
Q: Hindi pa rin.
A: Octomechanix

Q: Saan binaril si Dr Jose P. Rizal?
Clue: "B" ang simula (Bagumbayan)
A: Sa back?
Q: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay "L" (Luneta).
A: Sa likod?
Q: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, gamitin natin ang kaniyang modern name - "RP" (Rizal Park).
A: Sa rear part

Tawa Muna

2005-04-14T22:34:00.001+08:00

BONG: may nabili akong hearing aid,bargain,nakakarinig na ako!
BING: saan mo nabili?
BONG: kahapon lang...

MAN : may nakapagsabi na ba sa iyong maganda ka
WOMAN : (kilig) wala pa nga,eh...
MAN : palagay ko, tama sila

MAN : lord, what is a million yrs. to you?
LORD: like a second.
MAN : what about a million dollars?
LORD: like a cent.
MAN : so,can i have a cent?
LORD: ok. wait a second...

SON: i saved 3 pesos.
FATHER : how?
SON : di ako sakay jeep.sabay na lang ako takbo nya.
FATHER : bobo! sana taxi sinabayan mo para mas
malaki na save mo !

STEWARD : sir,are you done?
PASSENGER : no,i'm Joe.
STEWARD : i mean are you Finished?
PASSENGER : no i'm a Filipino
STEWARD : i mean are you through?
PASSENGER : what do you think of me false?

MARE : tulungan mo naman ako,ang inaanak mo nalulon ang susi ng bahay ko!
PARE : para yun lang natataranta ka na? eh di gamitin mo yung duplicate.

ANAK : dad,di ba sabi nyo,na expelled kayo nuon sa college?
DAD : oo nga,bakit?
ANAK : totoo pala ang kasabihang "history repeat itself"

JUAN : aba ang dami mong biniling newspaper ah...
JOSE : oo,kasi nabalitaan ko,tataas daw presyo ng newspaper bukas.

MRS : darleng,manganganak na ako.
MR : sige,dadalhin na kita sa pizza hut.
MRS : bakit sa pizza hut?
MR : kasi duon me free delivery!

DOKTOR : sige,inumin mo itong gamot,tatlong kutsara bago matulog.
PATIENT : eh, doc dalawa lang po ang kutsara ko sa bahay.

MAID : ma'am,gising na po kayo?
MA'AM : sarap ng tulog ko eh...bakit ba?
MAID : oras na po ng pag inom nyo ng sleeping pills.

Brain Teasers

2005-04-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

Brain teasers that will make you groan ...
Please answer all the questions first and then scroll down to check for the correct answers.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second
is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

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Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...

The Diagnostic Computer & the Man

2005-04-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

" My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There a diagnostic computer down at K-Mart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and take it to K-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to K-Mart, eager to check the result.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

Three Men & St. Peter

2005-04-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Ano Raw?

2005-04-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm , what's yours?"
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
'It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?"
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"

ETO PA....
1. I couldn't care a damn!
2. What's your next class before this?(ANO DAW???!!!)
3. Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"
4. Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)
5. My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs! (Translation: Daming pasalubong ng tatay ko.)
6. Standard and Chartered Bank
7. I'm very iterated!!! (transalation: galit sya! haha!)
8. I'm sorry, my boss just passed away. (translation: kakadaan lang ng boss nya.)
9. Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?
10. What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?
11. Don't touch me not!
12. Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...
13. Its spilled milk under the bridge.
14. Don't change anything! Keep it at ease.
15. Hello McDo? Mag-i-inquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal? (yung pang-batang pagkain)
16. You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore! (hmmm...sounds familiar)
17. Out of fit ako these days eh... (translation: di sya nakakapag-exercise)
18. Come, lets join us!
19. Bring down the house down!
20. I'm the world champion of the World!!!
21. Beneath the Belt!
22. Rule of Hand... (thumb yata ibig sabihin...)
23. Can you repeat it once again?
24. Mukhang haggard-looking.
25. Do you have more brighter ideas?
26. Halatang obvious naman yata.

Turo Nina Inay at Itay

2005-04-14T22:20:00.000+08:00

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC.
"Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magisa ang manonood ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY.
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA.
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos yang lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER.
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito,maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag-inarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY.
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING.
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR.
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE.
"Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak maging katulad mo at magiging pasakit din sa ulo!"

Body Meeting

2005-04-14T22:18:00.000+08:00

BODY MEETING

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

Tough Questions

2005-04-14T22:15:00.000+08:00

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

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Candidate A: is Franklin D.. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:

Amateurs built the Ark

Professionals built the Titanic

and in case you never saw this one..! ....

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Pinoy Lessons in Linguistics

2005-04-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

ncruz, md

1. Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat (pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five". Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o "Give me five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang "Give me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Spielberg, "Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag-Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng Sta. Ana, Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang kaliit ang barung-barong: 1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai 2. Television 3. Karaoke. Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon. Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)
1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"
2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"
4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"
Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room. "Doc saan po ba ang Cobal". Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?"

Conclusion:
Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.
7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa- schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."
3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, hanggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado, hihihihihi)

6. Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)
Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)
Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)
Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!
Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?"
Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)
Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?"
Mrs 7: "Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

Jokes of Mr. Bean

2005-04-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9

Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4
better and 4 worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film.
I didn't see any picture.

Friend : What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for
3 hrs.

9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it
one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

Tongue Twisters 02

2005-04-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

Freshly fried fresh flesh.

Pacific Lithograph.

Six twin screwed steel steam cruisers.

The crow flew over the river
with a lump of raw liver.

Preshrunk silk shirts

A bloke's back bike brake block broke.

A pleasant place to place a plaice is a place
where a plaice is pleased to be placed.

I correctly recollect Rebecca MacGregor's reckoning.

Good blood, bad blood.

Quick kiss. Quicker kiss.

I saw Esau kissing Kate. I saw Esau,
he saw me, and she saw I saw Esau.

Cedar shingles should be shaved and saved.

Lily ladles little Letty's lentil soup.

Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
with stoutest wrists and loudest boasts,
he thrusts his fist against the posts
and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Shelter for six sick scenic sightseers.

Listen to the local yokel yodel.

Give Mr. Snipa's wife's knife a swipe.

Whereat with blade,
with bloody, blameful blade,
he bravely broached his boiling bloody breast.

Are our oars oak?

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

A lusty lady loved a lawyer
and longed to lure him from his laboratory.

The epitome of femininity.

She stood on the balcony
inexplicably mimicing him hiccupping,
and amicably welcoming him home.

Kris Kringle carefully crunched on candy canes.

Please pay promptly.

On mules we find two legs behind
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.

What time does the wristwatch strap shop shut?

One-One was a racehorse.
Two-Two was one, too.
When One-One won one race,
Two-Two won one, too.

Girl gargoyle, guy gargoyle.

Pick a partner and practice passing,
for if you pass proficiently,
perhaps you'll play professionally.

Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar.
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
And so one morn he bored the boar--
That boar will bore the bear no more.

If a Hottentot taught a Hottentot tot
To talk ere the tot could totter,
Ought the Hottenton tot
Be taught to say aught, or naught,
Or what ought to be taught her?
If to hoot and to toot a Hottentot tot
Be taught by her Hottentot tutor,
Ought the tutor get hot
If the Hottentot tot
Hoot and toot at her Hottentot tutor?

Will you, William?

Mix, Miss Mix!

Who washed Washington's white woolen underwear
when Washington's washer woman went west?

Two toads, totally tired.

Freshly-fried flying fish.

The sawingest saw I ever saw saw
was the saw I saw saw in Arkansas.

Just think, that sphinx has a sphincter that stinks!

Strange strategic statistics.

Sarah sitting in her Chevrolet,
All she does is sits and shifts,
All she does is sits and shifts.

Hi-Tech Traveling Tractor Trailor Truck Tracker

Ned Nott was shot
and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott
than Nott.
Some say Nott
was not shot.
But Shott says
he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
was not shot,
or
Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott,
Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
then Shott was shot,
not Nott.
However,
the shot Shott shot shot not Shott --
but Nott.

Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.

Three twigs twined tightly.

There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer.

Pretty Kitty Creighton had a cotton batten cat.
The cotton batten cat was bitten by a rat.
The kitten that was bitten had a button for an eye,
And biting off the button made the cotton batten fly.

Suddenly swerving, seven small swans
Swam silently southward,
Seeing six swift sailboats
Sailing sedately seaward.

The ochre ogre ogled the poker.

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It's slick to stick a lock upon your stock,
Or some stickler who is slicker
Will stick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor
With a lock!

Shredded Swiss chesse.

The soldiers shouldered shooters on their shoulders.

Theophiles Thistle, the successful thistle-sifter,
in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.

Now.....if Theophiles Thistle, the successful thistle-sifter,
in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb,
see that thou, in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

Success to the successful thistle-sifter!

Thank the other three brothers of their father's mother's brother's side.

They both, though, have thirty-three thick thimbles to thaw.

Irish wristwatch.

Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.

Cows graze in groves on grass which grows in grooves in groves.

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades,
blunderbusses, and bludgeons -- balancing them badly.

Tragedy strategy.

Selfish shellfish.

They have left the thriftshop, and lost both their theatre tickets and the
volume of valuable licenses and coupons for free theatrical frills and thrills.

These are in Dutch

Ik zag de zon zakken in de Zuiderzee.

Hoor de kleine klompjes klepperen op de klinkers.

To en Tom aten tomaten; To at en Tom vrat.

Soldatententententoonstelling.

These are in French and might show up incorrectly on your browser.

Un chasseur sachant chasser chassait sans son chien de chasse.

Ton thé, t'a-t-il ôté ta toux?

Étant sorti sans parapluie, il m'eût plus plu qu'il plût plus tôt.

These are in Pinoy

Minimekaniko ni Monico ang makina ng Minica ni Monica.

Botica, Bituka, Butiki.

This one is in Hebrew.

Sara shara shir sameyach.

This one is Japanese.

Namamugi, Namagome, Namatamago.

Tongue Twisters 01

2005-04-02T22:27:00.000+08:00

1.Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.

2. A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits

3. A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

4. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

5. Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry.

6. Unique New York.

7. Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

8. Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

9. Is this your sister's sixth zither, sir?

10. A big black bug bit a big black bear,
made the big black bear bleed blood.

11. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

12. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat.

13. One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

14. Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.

15. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

16. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

17. Mrs. Smith's Fish Sauce Shop.

18. "Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised.
"Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."

19. A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

20. Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.

21. Three free throws.

22. I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
'cause the pheasant plucker's running late.

23. Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

24. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

25. Knapsack straps.

26. Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

27. Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

28. A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

29. Inchworms itching.

30. A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

31. The myth of Miss Muffet.

32. Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

33. Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.

34. Vincent vowed vengeance very veheently.

35. Cheap ship trip.

36. I cannot bear to see a bear
Bear down upon a hare.
When bare of hair he strips the hare,
Right there I cry, "Forbear!"

37. Lovely lemon liniment.

38. Gertie's great-grandma grew aghast at Gertie's grammar.

39. Tim, the thin twin tinsmith

40. Fat frogs flying past fast.

41. I need not your needles, they're needless to me;
For kneading of noodles, 'twere needless, you see;
But did my neat knickers but need to be kneed,
I then should have need of your needles indeed.

42. Flee from fog to fight flu fast!

43. Greek grapes.

44. The boot black bought the black boot back.

45. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

46. We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

47. Moose noshing much mush.

48. Ruby Rugby's brother bought and brought her
back some rubber baby-buggy bumpers.

49. Sly Sam slurps Sally's soup.

50. My dame hath a lame tame crane,
My dame hath a crane that is lame.

51. Six short slow shepherds.

52. A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad
But a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree toad tried to win
The three-toed she-toad's heart,
For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground
That the three-toed tree toad trod.
But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower
With her three-toed power
The she-toad vetoed him.

53. Which witch wished which wicked wish?

54. Old oily Ollie oils old oily autos.

55. The two-twenty-two train tore through the tunnel.

56. Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.

57. Twelve twins twirled twelve twigs.

58. Three gray geese in the green grass grazing.
Gray were the geese and green was the grass.

59. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.

60.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

61. Peggy Babcock.

62. You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

63. Black bug's blood.

64. Flash message!

65. Say this sharply, say this sweetly,
Say this shortly, say this softly.
Say this sixteen times in succession.

66. Six sticky sucker sticks.

67. If Stu chews shoes, should Stu
choose the shoes he chews?

68. Crisp crusts crackle crunchily.

69. Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

70. Six sharp smart sharks.

71. What a shame such a shapely sash
should such shabby stitches show.

72. Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.

73. Betty better butter Brad's bread.

74. Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.

75. Sixish.

76. Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.

77. Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!

78. Six shimmering sharks sharply striking shins.

79. I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought
I thought I thought.

80. Brad's big black bath brush broke.

81. Thieves seize skis.

82. Chop shops stock chops.

83. Sarah saw a shot-silk sash shop full of shot-silk sashes
as the sunshine shone on the side of the shot-silk sash shop.

84. Strict strong stringy Stephen Stretch
slickly snared six sickly silky snakes.

85. Susan shineth shoes and socks;
socks and shoes shines Susan.
She ceased shining shoes and socks,
for shoes and socks shock Susan.

86. Truly rural.

87. The blue bluebird blinks.

88. Betty and Bob brought back blue balloons from the big bazaar.

89. When a twister a-twisting will twist him a twist,
For the twisting of his twist, he three twines doth intwist;
But if one of the twines of the twist do untwist,
The twine that untwisteth untwisteth the twist.

90. Untwirling the twine that untwisteth between,
He twirls, with his twister, the two in a twine;
Then twice having twisted the twines of the twine,
He twitcheth the twice he had twined in twain.

91. The twain that in twining before in the twine,
As twines were intwisted he now doth untwine;
Twist the twain inter-twisting a twine more between,
He, twirling his twister, makes a twist of the twine.

92. The Leith police dismisseth us.

93. The seething seas ceaseth
and twiceth the seething seas sufficeth us.

94. If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor
who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the
doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor
the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

95. Two Truckee truckers truculently truckling
to have truck to truck two trucks of truck.

96. Plague-bearing prairie dogs.

97. Ed had edited it.

98. She sifted thistles through her thistle-sifter.

99. me the gift of a grip top sock:
a drip-drape, ship-shape, tip-top sock.

100. we were walking, we were watching window washers
wash Washington's windows with warm washing water.

Things to Do in the Elevator

2005-04-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space"

Definitions of Sex

2005-04-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special; I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the Problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the ! balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could fly!

Chinoy Names

2005-04-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

CHINOY NAMES

born during the night - Andy Lim
born blind - Kenneth Sy
born being swindled - Lino Co
born while cooking - Nilo Toh
born as 10th child - Sam Po
born while being courted - Lily Gaw
born fat - Bob Uy
born little - Kathy Ting
born different - Eva Yan
born with porridge - Lino Gaw
born looking for someone - Allen Sia
born while counterfeiting - Faye King
born during Sunday - Lyn Go
born with malice - Mali Sia
born angry with someone - Ally Tan
born with picture - Lara Huan
born with sweets - Ken Dy
born undefined - Sam Ting
born while taking a bath - Lily Go
born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
born while buying - Bill Li
born secretly - Tina Go
born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
born ugly - Kow Yan

hah hah hah

2005-04-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot! With that look, I've GOT to make out with you. I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What. HERE.. In the middle of the street?" The guy answers, "I've got to have you now so I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk, and while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK? The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story,looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you?" The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"

Hirap Kumita ng Pera

2005-04-02T21:59:00.000+08:00

Para sa nagbabalak mag resign.....
Think about it...

Sa hirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon, pati pag se-salesman ng vacumm cleaner ay pinasok ko na.

Minsan, pumunta ako sa isang bahay sa isang barangay. Kumatok ako sa pinto... Isang malaking misis ang nagbukas sa akin. Pero bago nakapagsalita ang babae, inunahan ko sya. mabilis akong pumasok papunta sa sala nila para di na makatangi sa presentation ko.

Katulad ng utos ng boss ko, binuksan ko ang isang plastic bag ng sm at ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae ng kalabaw sa carpet. this was a technique taught to me In selling to get a massive and immediate attention from the buyer.

Sabi ko sa kanya w/ confidence: "Misis, pag di nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko NGAYON ang mga tae sa
carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa yan!", ang mayabang na sinambit ko.

"Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?", tanong ng babae.

Sabi ko, "Bakit po?" "Eh, kalilipat lang namin. wala pa kaming kuryente."

Attention to All Singles

2005-04-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

Bakit ba tuwing may "get2geder" ang mga tao, mapa-family reunion man or simpleng barkada gimik, ang unang tanong sayo ay "May boyfriend ka ba?" at bago ka pa maka-sagot ay maririnig mo naman ang "Bakett walaaaaaa??!" Hayyy, kelangan ba talagang may bitbit kang boylet sa mga occasions na ito? Pano kung wala talaga? Alanganamang maki-usap pa ako sa mga "close" guy friends ko para mag-panggap na "kami"?! Di naman ata tama yun, dee-bah? How I wish na sana mas maintindihan ng mga tao na sa mga panahon ngayon ay "accepted" na sa society na MEDYO made-delay ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga kababaihan.. especially girls like me who want to get into so many things all at the same time. I also wish that people would understand that OKAY LANG AKO and the rest of THE SAMAHANG MALAMIG ANG PASKO... Valentines day.. Birthday..etc. I mean, we do get lonely once in a while.. naiingit din dun sa may mga LOVELIFE... paminsan-minsan? kung minsan naman ay nagmumuni sa mga past kilig moments? but these lonely moments do not and will not make our "world" stop...

Isipin nyo nalang, na kung wala kaming mga single friends nyo, eh di wala kayong paghihingaan ng sama ng loob tuwing nag-aaway kayo ng boylet or girlet nyo? wala rin kayong "instant date" kung sakaling nangailangan kayo?... wala rin kayong mahihila sa mall para maghanap ng magandang regalo for your better-half pag xmas... o kaya pag bday nya? at ang pinaka-mahalaga sa lahat, wala kayong KAKAMPI if things between you and your labidabs don't work out. Marami naman sa aming mga singles ay nakaranas na rin na "ma-in-love".. yun nga lang, obvious ba?????????? it all didn't work out!

Pero di naman kami "bitter" o galit sa mundo? and totoo nga nyan eh mas lumalalim ang kahulugan ng "love" para sa min. When you're all by yourself, there's more time to reflect and think what you really want in life. Mas naiisip mo kung ano ba talaga ang makakapagbigay ng tunay na ligaya sayo... at mas naiisip mo kung pano matutupad ang lahat ng mga pangarap mo. And while reflecting, we also get to imagine that we will, one day.... end up with someone who will share those dreams with us.

Di naman sa nang-iinggit ako pero masaya rin ang buhay naming mga single... Biruin mo we can go out with anybody, anytime..that is. We can get into all kinds of things.. like go to the gym regularly.. or get into all kinds of sports... or any "Self-enhancement" programs, etc... Mejo tipid din ang buhay single kasi la naman kaming po-problemahin tuwing Valentines day or Christmas? o diba ang saya?

Sa palagay ko naman ay lahat tayo ay may karapatang sumaya ke single man o attached ka. I guess may kanya-kanya lang tayong panahong lumigaya at Diyos lamang ang makapagsasabi... kung kelan nga dadating and oras na yon.

So, para sa mga kasalukuyang "ATTACHED", I wish you all the luck and happiness. Should there be any problems, don't forget that your SINGLE friends are always here for you!!!!! Sa mga "bagong SINGLES" naman, wag nang magmukmok! Enjoy life.... enjoy the single life!!! There are a lot of things that you will still discover. At tandaan mo, DI KA NAG-IISA!!! madami-dami tayo..hehehehe :)

At dun naman sa kapwa kong mga SINGLES? I hope that we are one in believing that we long for someone NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE HAPPY but we long for someone because we want to share our happiness with that special person for the rest of our lives....

45 Things

2005-04-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

Just when you thought you knew everything...

1. A 100 ml tube of toothpaste can draw a 1.3-mile line.

2. In communist Russia, there was a television channel that played The Wizard of Oz on a continuous loop. It was Gorbachev's favorite movie.

3. In Canada, more people die from Moose every year than are killed in automobile accidents.

4. All serial killers imprisoned today either wet their beds or set random fires throughout their adolescence.

5. 32% of American men have a mustache, while 47% of Canadian men have a mustache.

6. Only two men have ever died in space.

7. Since it is not your legal duty to pay off gambling debts, you can run up your debt at online casinos, and refuse charges made to your credit card.

8. Pigeons are the only birds that give live birth.

9. It is physically impossible to tear a US $20 bill after it has been folded in half twice.

10. The average American spends more money on disposable enemas than on books.

11. Pro Wrestling fans are 38% more likely to commit a sex crime.

12. If it could be collected and burned for fuel, the amount of intestinal gas released by Americans every year could power the city of Los Angeles for 27 days.

13. The average adult tongue produces a pressure of 84 p.s.i. during swallowing.

14. There are more prostitutes than elementary schoolteachers in France.

15. There is a greater biomass of cats than human beings.

16. Phenylalanine occurs more frequently in nature than sugar.

17. You are at greater risk of being killed by a man-made satellite than a meteorite.

18. Parker Brothers prints more currency every day than the US, the EU, & Turkey combined.

19. Starbuck's is the world's largest consumer of dark chocolate.

20. The number of cases of domestic violence perpetrated by women in the USA has risen 100% since 2000.

21. A pygmy tribe in southwestern Tanzania has the longest average life expectancy of 102 years.

22. Storks cannot pass wind.

23. If a groundhog was the size of a human it could eat 600 pounds of Italian sausage in one sitting.

24. The word "Nazi" actually comes from the German phrase "Nicht allgefreunden die zesseschimdt inglbent," meaning "No allowances for overpaid library clerks." Hitler was initially elected on a higher education platform.

25. Albert Einstein suffered from incontinence.

26. A bald eagle's nest can be 12 feet deep and 10 feet wide.

27. If the population of the Earth continued to increase at its present rate indefinitely, by 3530 A.D. the total mass of human flesh and blood would equal the mass of the Earth. By 6826 A.D. it would equal the mass of the known universe.

28. Women who have sex daily are on average ten pounds lighter than women who do not.

29. Prior to 1860, there were no ferrets in Northern America.

30. Prior to 1800 there were no shoes that were designated for left and right feet.

31. 78% of all Americans have by the age of 20 consumed illegal drug without knowing it.

32. Women's perfume often contains, phenylethanethiol, a chemical found in a skunk's odorous secretion.

33. Fred Gwynne used to require all of the backstage personnel on "The Munsters" to call him Winky. He never explained why.

34. A United States postman has the legal authority to issue traffic citations.

35. Dr Pepper is the best liquid for removing the smell of skunk spray.

36. The Average American unknowingly consumes 500ml of other people's urine during their lifetime.

37. The free gifts in McDonalds cost more to produce than all the Big Macs and quarter pounders sold.

38. A male corpse can still impregnate a woman up to 48 hours after death.

39. The first double bed seen on daytime US TV was in the 1965 episode of the Addams Family: 'Uncle Fester's Toupee '

40. There is a hidden message in the 1999 issue U.S. 1 dollar bill. The chief engraver for US currency at the time was a big fan of Ohio State Buckeyes and the word "BUCKEYES" can be clearly seen in the chin of president Washington.

41. Chimpanzees are the only non-human mammals that can do long-division.

42. Every year, NASCAR uses up enough gasoline the fill the Grand Canyon.

43. Nicholas May, writer of the famous "Happy Birthday" song, committed suicide on his 36th birthday.

44. Cinematic hero John Wayne was not as fearless in real life, suffering from coulraphobia, a fear of clowns.

45. If you open a bottle of Cola and place it near a beehive, the bees will fly into the bottle and drown themselves.

Management Lessons for Everybody

2005-04-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

-----------------------
Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

--------------------
Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

You think You're Smart?

2005-03-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are
second!

Try not to mess up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is
the total?

Answer:

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
(a, e, i, o, u)?

Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Getting Older

2005-03-23T22:52:00.000+08:00

Do you feel that you are getting older !?!?!?!

Let's see. The majority of students in universities today were born in
1984.... They are called "youth".

For them, they have never heard of "We are the World, we are the
children..."

And the "Uptown Girl" they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

For them, there have always been only one Germany and only one Vietnam.

AIDS exists since they were born. CD exists since they were born.

Michael Jackson is a white guy .John Travolta is always round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films out last year.

They can never imagine a black and white screen for a computer.

They never knew Pac-Man. They know Playstation and not Attari or Game & Watch. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and they don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they never understand how we could go out without a mobile phone when we were in university...

Let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, until afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computer.

5. When you see kids with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life.

7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily.

8. You used to enjoy loud, live bands while drinking alcohol but now you prefer a quiet dinner with friends.

9. And whenever you meet your friends, you talk about the good old days, over and over again with all funny stories you experienced together.

10. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends. You think they will like it too.....

Oh yes, I'm getting old too. ; )

Battle of the Sexes

2005-03-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

Sex

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.

Maturity

Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Groceries

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

Magazines

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Bathrooms

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.

Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.

Mirrors

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Low Blows

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he as wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nicknames

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Toys

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires atleast 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

David Letterman

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for stateof the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry

Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

Politics

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Weddings

When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Cheerleaders

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks

Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

Garages

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies

For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in Public Enemy.

Nudity in Movies

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by aman. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

The Most Important Difference of All:
Colored underwear.

Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Sales Technique

2005-03-23T22:48:00.000+08:00

Para sa nagbabalak mag resign.....
Think about it...

Sa hirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon, pati pag se-salesman ng vacumm cleaner ay pinasok
ko na.

Minsan, pumunta ako sa isang bahay sa isang barangay. Kumatok ako sa pinto... Isang malaking
misis ang nagbukas sa akin. Pero bago nakapagsalita ang babae, inunahan ko sya. mabilis
akong pumasok papunta sa sala nila para di na makatangi sa presentation ko.

Katulad ng utos ng boss ko, binuksan ko ang isang plastic bag ng sm at ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae ng kalabaw sa carpet. this was a technique taught to me In selling to get a massive and immediate attention from the buyer.

Sabi ko sa kanya w/ confidence: "Misis, pag di nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko NGAYON ang mga tae sa
carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa yan!", ang mayabang na sinambit ko.

"Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?", tanong ng babae.

Sabi ko, "Bakit po?"
"Eh, kalilipat lang namin. wala pa kaming kuryente."

Usapang Lalaki

2005-03-23T22:39:00.000+08:00

*gabi. usapang lalake*
*sindi ng yosi*
*hithit*
*buga*
Musta na, pare? Ako, okay lang. Eto. Nagmumuni- muni. Nag-iisip.
Minsan talaga may mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan.
Ewan ko ba.
*hinga ng malalim*
Bakit ba ganun pare, ilang beses ko na pinag-aralan pero lagi na lang lumalabas na parang kahit 'sang anggulo mo tingnan, hindi nagiging patas para sa mga lalake ang ilang bagay pagdating sa pagmamahal.
*tingin sa stars*
Minsan naiisip ko, alam kaya ng mga babae ang hirap ng lalake Na gumawa ng first move para magtapat ng pagmamahal?
E yung hirap na dinadaanan sa panliligaw at pagsuyo sa mahal nya?
Ang feeling ng masaktan pag nabasted?
Malamang-lamang siguro, hindi ano.
Wala naman yata silang alam sa mga paghihirap natin e.
Ang alam lang ata nila e mamili, manakit, at magsaya.
Tingin mo?
*tingin sa malayo*
Lagi naman ganun.
Una pa lang, lalake na ang naghihirap.
Hassle sa atin ang panliligaw pero bago pa yun, kung ano pang diskarte ang gagawin natin para masabi natin sa kanila na mahal natin sila.
Alam kaya nila yun?
Mahirap magsabi na mahal mo na yung babae, diba?
Tapos liligawan pa natin.
Patutunayan na mahal nga sila.
Susuyuin to-the-max.
Maghahatid sa bahay, tutulungan, sasabayan,
palalamunin, pagtyatyagaan, lahat na.
Kulang na lang e pagsilbihan mo nang walang sahod.
At ano ang kapalit?
Well, depende sa trip nila. Oo tol,sa trip lang nila.
Wala silang pake kesehodang mahal natin talaga sila.
Basta ang alam nila,pag di nila tayo trip, isang malaking HINDE ang makukuha natin, kahit umiyak pa tayo ng dugo o lumuhod sa mga asing buo-buo.
Para lang silang namimili ng damit na di man lang sinusukat bago ayawan.
Kaya kahit mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal natin, sorry tayo. Hindi nila alam kung mahal mo sila.
Kailangan mong maabot ang kanilang mga standards o uuwi ka lang na bad trip, iiling-iling, at minsan, luhaan.
Wala tayong magagawa, marami silang alibi.
"Hindi pa 'ko ready eh..",
"Sorry pero I think we should just be friends..",
"Ha? Uhhmm.. nagpapatawa ka ba? Hahahaha.."
"Better luck next time na lang muna, okay lang?",
"Give me a decade. Pag-iisipan ko muna..",
"Para lang kitang kapatid e..",yaddah yaddah.
Isang malaking pagsasaklob ng langit at lupa 'yon para satin.
*kuha ng bote ng beer*
*lagok*
*lunok*
At hindi lang 'yon tol.
Sa pre-relationship stage pa lang yon.
Pag sinagot na nila tayo, satin pa rin ang hassle.
Tayo daw ang mga lalake kaya tayo ang hahawak ng relasyon.
Tayo ang aayos kung may gulo; tayo ang dapat magpapakabait; tayo ang magtatyaga; tayo ang
magiging devoted at faithful; tayo, tayo tayo.
Sila? Ummm...
Teka, isipin ko. Ayun.
Sila ang magsasabi kung anong oras kayo dapat magmeet; sila ang magtetext ng mga mushy at kabalbalang texts; sila ang magdedemand sayo ng kung anu-ano; sila ang magbabawal; sila ang magsasabi kung kelan ka dapat mag-shave, kung kelan ka pwedeng tumawag sa bahay nila, kung kelan sila di dapat bad tripin dahil meron sila, at kung kelan ka korni.
Ewan. Ganun ata talaga.
*kuha ng bote ng beer*
*lagok*
*lunok*
Hindi pa yun tapos pare, dahil dapat tayo ang bahala kung ano ang magiging takbo ng relasyon.
Pag maganda, edi okay.
Pag may problema, Kasalanan natin. Haay buhay.
Minsan talaga kung tutuusin sakit sila ng ulo.
Kaya lang mahal natin kaya di na natin iniintindi yun.
*hinga ng malalim*
Pero alam mo tol, feeling ko mas sincere pa tayo magmahal sa kanila.
Alam mo yun, iba tayo magmahal e. Hindi lang parang laru-laro lang.
Seryoso. At kung magmahal man tayo, lubus-lubusan.
Mas mature.
Hindi yung parang pambata lang gaya nila na kesyo magseselos-selos, iiyak-iyak, iina-inarte, dadradrama, at kung anu-ano pa.
Hindi lang kababawan. Ka-mushyhan. Kababaihan. Iba tayo pag nagmahal.
*hinga ng malalim*
*tingin sa malayo ulit*
At ito pa ang pinakamasaklap.
*singhot*
Ang ending ng relasyon.
Sa mga panahong 'to, either sawa na sila, hindi na tayo trip, may nahanap na silang better
saten, o kaya they need f*cking space and time muna.
Bad trip no?
Wala na naman tayong choice.
Sila ang masusunod.
At ano pa ang kasamang hassle don?
Syempre wasak na ang imahe natin.
Tayo ang lalabas na may kasalanan. Na playboy. Na nagpapaiyak.
*iiling*
Tayo siyempre ang mga antagonist at sila yung mga bidang inaapi At parang mga pusang iiyak-iyak. Ang ending: mag-ooffer sila ng "friendship" kuno matapos tayong pagsawaan,lahat ng gifts naten nasa kanila, sawi tayo sa pag-ibig, "player" na ang image natin, at higit sa lahat, mag-iisip kung papaano ipagpapatuloy ang buhay.
Maiiwan tayong tulala, mag-iisip kung saan nagkamali, mamomroblema sa pag-aadjust sa pagiging single, at di na naman makakatulog.
Haay buhay. Ang hirap maging lalake.
Lagi ka na lang naiiwan sa ere.
Ano? Hindi ka na nagsalita?
In-love ka no? Ako, kamusta?
Eto.
Yoyosi-yosi.
Bubuntong-buntong hininga.
Titingin-tingin sa bituin.
Mumuni-muni.
Lalagok-lagok ng alak.
Ang mga babae talaga, oo.

Basic Knowledge.. Hehe..

2005-03-23T22:31:00.000+08:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Filipino Names Naturalized US Citizen

2005-03-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

The US INS recently released this list of names of Filipinos who changed their names when they became naturalized U.S. Citizens. Who knows...you might encounter them one day.

Filipino Names Naturalized US Citizen

Gregorio Talahib - George Bush
Tomas Cruz - Tom Cruise
Macario Maldonado - Mac Donald
Remegio Batungbacal - Remington Steel
Victoria Malihim - Victoria Secret
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Esteban Magtaka - Stevie Wonder
Jaime Bondoc - James Bond
Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods
Eleuterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Burgus Bahag-Hari - Burger King
Kasimiro Bukaykay - Cashmere Bouquet
Maria Calas - Mary Kay
Rogelio Dagdagan - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant
Roberto Controlado - Bert Control
Marcelo Controlado - Muscle Control
Carpio Llanes - Carpool Lanes
Julia Domingo - Holy Sunday
Maria Pascua - Mary Christmas
Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year
Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World

There were Two Nuns...

2005-03-23T22:22:00.000+08:00

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

Ang Kandila

2005-03-23T22:21:00.000+08:00

Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."

Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan."

"Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Ei.

"Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco.

"Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"

Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco. "Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko?

"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado.

"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir.

"Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado.

"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?"

"Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"

Sex at Kulangot

2005-03-23T22:18:00.000+08:00

Tungkol sa Kulangot

Inusisa ni Totoy ang kanyang tatay.

Totoy: Bakit po masarap ang sex?

Tatay: Kasi, may kiliti o sensation iyon na katulad ng nararamdaman mo pag nangungulangot ka.

Totoy: Bakit po mas nasasarapan ang mga babae kaysa sa mga lalaki sa sex?

Tatay: Gaya ng nasabi ko, ang sex ay parang pangungulangot. Kapag nangungulangot ka, mas nag-e-enjoy ang iyong ilong kesa sa ang iyong daliri.

Totoy: Bakit ayaw po ng mga babae na ginagahasa sila?

Tatay: Iyang panggagahasa eh maihahalintulad sa naglalakad ka sa kalye, tapos, may lumapit sa iyo at kinalikot ang iyong ilong. Magugustuhan mo ba iyon?

Totoy: Bakit po ayaw ng mga babae na makipag-sex pag nireregla sila?

Tatay: Anak, kapag dinudugo ang ilong mo, nangungulangot ka ba?

Totoy: Bakit ayaw po ng mga lalaki na mag-condom kapag nakikipag-sex sila?

Tatay: Ikaw ba eh gusto mong mangulangot na may guwantes ka sa iyong daliri?

Totoy: Bakit po sa pribadong lugar ginagawa ang pakikipag-sex?

Tatay: Mangungulangot ka ba sa harapan ng buong klase mo? Gago!

Never Happy

2005-03-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!!

Please exit to the left.

=P

2005-03-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

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some more fun stuff:

----------------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

----------------
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

----------------
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

----------------
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

----------------
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

----------------
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

----------------
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

----------------
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

----------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Ways to Turn Men Down

2005-03-23T22:07:00.000+08:00

HE: May I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a > > > > face like yours.

HE: Hi, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

New Dictionary

2005-03-23T22:02:00.000+08:00

1. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

2. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

3. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of
the students without passing through "the minds of either"

4. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

5. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

6. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power...

7. Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

8. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees
later on.

9. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

10. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

11. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

12. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

13. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

14. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.

15. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

16. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

17. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

18. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward
to the trip.

19. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

20. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not
injured yet."

21. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

22. Father: A banker provided by nature.

23. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

24. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

25. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

26. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

New Pinoy Jokes

2005-03-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

Cory Aquino watches "Mano Po 2" everyday and cries everytime...
Dito lang kasi niya nakita na ikinasal si Kris!

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Bakit sa Pilipinas kung mag-aaply ka ng clerk kailangan college graduate ka, pero kung mag-aaply ka for president, high school drop-out ok na? Just curious ha.. bakit???

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Noong araw, ERAP na ERAP na.
Ngayon ARROY, AROY!,
Wag na POE, wag na POE.
Baka maLACSON ang KABAYAN natin
At magka ROCCO ROCCO ang buhay natin.

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GMA: Economic mind
ROCO: academic mind
EDDIE: Godly mind
LOREN: changeable mind
NOLI: no mind
PING: mastermind
FPJ: Never mind!

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Lights, camera, action!
Starring FPJ
Directed by ERAP
Script by ED ANGARA
Produced by DANDING COJUANGCO
Sa pelikulang, "BAYAN KO, TODAS KA!"

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Presidentiables have records:
GMA: D Pidal case
ROCCO has textbook scam
LACSON has kuratong baleleng
Only FPJ has no records - not even school records! Nanay ko po!

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Lineup 2004 tandem:
GMA/Flavier - Ang Pantay!
Lacson/Sotto - Ang Lagay!
Erap/FPJ - Ang Tagay!
Maceda/Osmena - Ang Taray!

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FPJ victory is the solution to traffic problem!
Dami close negosyo, Pinoy migrate
Dami mall sara! So konti tao kalye.
WALA NA TRAFFIC!!! FPJ ka na??

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

GAME KA NA BA?
Kris: Ilang liters meron ang COKE
FPJ: LITERS? Apat! Liter C, Liter O, Liter K, at Liter E! He-he-he!

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Wag nyo 'kong subukan! Matalino 'to! BOAT ME!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

MAGANDANG UMAGA, SA YO!
Bawal nang gamitin ang PO, sabi ni GMA para hindi sumikat ang PO na apelyido mula ngayon YO na ang gamitin imbes na PO ayon kay ARRO YO!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Please answer honestly: If you were to choose between FPJ or Ping,
which country would you migrate to?

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

FPJ vowed that once elected he would change the Lower House and Upper
House. He wants them to be called ORCHESTRA & BALCONY!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Philippine Airlines will be taken from Lucio Tan and will be given to Sen. Angara if FPJ wins. It will be called, ANGARA-PAL!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

GMA has assured Chinese community they will have a kidnap-free holiday.
She asked her men for early vacation.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Breaking news:
Paquito Diaz recruited by Lakas to be GMA's running mate. Napili siya kasi siya lang ang madalas makagulpi kay FPJ.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Makit Chinese lang palati kidnap? Kasi pak Pinoy 3 gives, pak Bombay 5/6. Pak Amelikano cledit cald, pelo pak Chinese sigulado C.O.D., wala pa issue lesibo, bigay ka pa legalo!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Anong song ni GMA?
Bongga k 'day!
NOPE!
Ocho-Ocho!
NOPE!
E ano?
The Impossible Dream!
1,2,3, sing:
"To dream the impossible dream to fight the unbeatable Poe"
VARIANT - GMA's campaign song:
To dream the impossible dream,
to fight the unbeatable Poe,
to bear with unbearable Roco,
to run where the gay Ping not go.

Ah, Life.

2005-03-23T21:45:00.000+08:00

A young girl missed her period for two months..
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did > this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a > Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grayhair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

The Pinoy Does It Again

2005-03-23T21:43:00.001+08:00

Have fun reading!
Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - ayos buhok ko?
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicated - Pinatay ang pusa
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian.
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defense - ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Dilemma - brownout!, a! (dilim a!)
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Thesis - ito ay...
Devastation - kung saan ka kukuha ng bus

A Girl's First Time

2005-03-23T21:37:00.000+08:00

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinkin'?
PERVERT!!!!!
I know what you were thinking!

Funnies

2005-03-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

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A man is dying of cancer.

His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".

Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare screw your mother."

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"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain

problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.

The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"

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YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS : Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

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Question
"Why is a waist called a waist?"

Answer: "Because anything above the penis and below the tits is a waste"

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A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed,
just like at the dinner table".

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

"Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
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Question:
"what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"

Answer:

"BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND"

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Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realised with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage,
it is not worth buying the whole pig.

Preface

2005-03-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

Hi!! Just created this sub-blog. This page will be exclusively for forwarded e-mails archived thru my Gmail and Yahoo! Mail accounts. Hope you get something from the things I will be posting here. :=>